Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Sleepless Nights

I have had the worst luck sleeping at night since getting pregnant. As I previously mentioned, I’m WAY more, um, emotionally challenged this time around than either of my first two pregnancies. I almost can’t even watch TV anymore…everything makes me get teary eyed these days…happy or sad, doesn’t matter. So, at night, I end up waking up for one reason or another, and then my brain turns on and doesn’t quit! For those of you who know me best, you know how deeply I sleep at night – usually.

My thoughts run from one end of the spectrum to the opposite end, in the quiet of darkness. It seems all my anxieties or fears about this pregnancy, from environment to age to fiscal responsibility to every unknown out there, plagues my thoughts and throws me into a mild, but REAL, mini-depression. And then I begin to worry if I’ll experience post-par tum with this child even though I haven’t with my other two children. And if so, what will happen? How will I cope? What will I do? Aaaagghhhh!

And then I’ll switch to thoughts about the baby…holding the baby, my final one, lovingly in my arms or the baby’s first smile that I know will melt my heart or I wonder what color it’s eyes or hair will be or the shape of it’s lips or nose…and I feel all kinds of love in my heart, which makes me want to smile and dream happily.

But then I worry about the health of this fetus. What if there is something wrong and I don’t know about it right now? What if, what if, what if???????!!!!!!! And I’m suddenly swinging the other way on this nightmarish pendulum I can’t seem to get off of in the middle of the night. I NEVER did this with my first two pregnancies. And, I’m usually a very practical person. I don’t usually succumb to such emotional and personal drama, especially within myself! I can’t seem to be able to control it! Aaaagghhhh!

Then I think about what sex the baby might be and all the frills associated for each and that puts me in dreamy land. But, then I worry about the weight gain I’m already experiencing in this pregnancy and worry that I won’t be able to shake this baby weight off in the future. I’m not some super skinny brod that immediately bounces back to their “normal”, slender selves…like some people I know. What if the weight gain is a really BIG problem for me…? That will totally SUCK!

Being so emotional is totally draining. During the day, everything is as it should be, with the occasional reaction to the TV or scene on the street. All dark thoughts scatter in the light of day, with so many other distractions in my busy day. I’m left to wonder whether this will go away, like the nausea. Or will it linger, even if mildly, like the sometimes overwhelming fatigue. I don’t have that answer, but I certainly hope I will be able to get off this emotional roller coaster at some point in this pregnancy.

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