Baby or not?

Since this pregnancy is SO completely different than my first two…I’ll be honest when I tell you that I have harbored a fear that this has not been a “normal” pregnancy. I’m more than a little afraid my body has been responding to a “shell”, without there being anything in it. It happens! So, in my 8th week, I have an appointment to verify the pregnancy.

We went to the appointment and all went smoothly. The ultrasound was crystal clear and for the first time, we were able to see our little “peanut.” He/She looked exactly like he/she should at 8 weeks and that was confirmed by our doctor…so far, no abnormalities. The baby measured a few days bigger than it should. However, after I reminded the doctor that I usually have a 25-day cycle, she readjusted the numbers in our files and the baby measured out perfectly. The conception day was narrowed down to April 1st…and the official due date is December 25th…a Christmas baby! And, yes, only one baby! Whew!

This appointment was soooo important to me, to verify the pregnancy. Since I had harbored a small measure of doubt about it, it was a feeling like no other to actually see our baby for the first time. I just wanted to keep looking at it on the screen. Seeing it’s little heart pump rapidly was thrilling…and hearing it was even more surreal. It’s size was about the size of a peanut or lima bean. The clarity of the ultrasound was amazing! I don’t remember previous ultrasounds being so clear, back home.

All I wanted to do after the appointment was think about our “peanut.” I was still absorbing all the feelings of actually verifying the pregnancy. However, my hubby…being a man without the fluctuation of hormones I have…wanted to talk about work. I, however, had a hard time concentrating on his preferred topic of conversation. So, when we got home and after the kids went to bed, I shut myself in our bedroom while he was playing Wii…and immersed myself in my thoughts and feelings about what we saw and learned at the appointment.

As I mentioned previously, I’m MUCH more hormonal this time around than the first two times I was pregnant. Sure enough, as soon as I sat down in the bedroom and started rubbing my tummy, a flood of love spread throughout my body…almost as if it felt like it had been locked up until this appointment. I started talking to our “peanut” and telling him/her all kinds of things. The love just kept flowing. It was wonderful.

Now, I can hardly think about anything else. And Allen is still talking about work. Haha While I understand the process is different for him…I can’t help but wish he could experience a fraction of this overwhelming feeling I have all of a sudden, about this baby…and talk to me about it. All in good time, I guess. He has expressed that he IS happy about it…so that’s good.

There are two primary anxieties for me about this pregnancy. One, was to verify it…and that hurdle has passed. The other, is the upcoming CVS or Amnio. Not that turning 35 is a magic number for abnormalities in a fetus…but the fact that I’m older does weigh on my mind. Not to mention that I’m living…well, here. So, I’m also reserving the full measure of relief for AFTER I receive the results of that test. I wish I didn’t feel that way, but I do. So, there really isn’t much for me to do, but wait.

Those feelings of mine are also the reason that [we] have decided not to tell anyone until after the test results…even our boys. Unless someone notices my bigger physique and directly questions me about it, mums the word for now.