Friday, July 3, 2009

CVS Results

I was out today, running errands with my sis and mom. I left our only cell phone with Allen, as I could use my mom’s cell. Allen called me later in the afternoon and told me that the genetic counselor had called and left her cell phone number. This was it. This was what I had been anxiously waiting for the past week…the results on the chromosomal health of our baby…as well as the gender.

Once we got into a store, I separated myself from the pack and called the genetic counselor. I was surprised to find myself shaking and sweating. That never happens to me. This physical response is just proof how important these results were to me…and how nervous I was to hear them, good or bad. I contemplated waiting until I got home, so Allen could at least be in the same room with me. However, since I didn’t know when we would be arriving home for sure…I just couldn’t wait. Allen was ok with me calling her back as long as I called to tell him the news first.

So, there I was, standing in the middle of a toy aisle in Target, shaking like a leaf and dialing the counselor’s number…not at all sure I wasn’t going to hang up and try again later. On the sixth ring tone, she answered…too late now.

GOOD NEWS!!!! There was absolutely no chromosomal issues with the fetus!! None at all! Whew…and YAH! I don’t know why I’m so nervous this time around. This was fantastic news, even though this is only half the battle of my worries. The “other” half being environmental concerns.

There was a very long and awkward silence on the phone before I felt compelled to ask, “Do you happen to know the gender of the baby?” She responded, “I sure do. Do you WANT to know the gender of the baby?” I hesitated for a second…considering this was finally the moment. Whatever the gender was, in that moment, I knew I would be happy about it. This was the baby that was to complete our family and I knew this in my heart without a doubt. So, I asked her to tell me…

IT’S A BOY!!!!!!!

Our third and final child is a sweet baby boy. A sweet angel faced baby…my last…to hold and cuddle and cherish. I was thrilled with this news! I hung up the phone, cradled the phone next to my heart and smiled dreamily. One more boy…

I already have two, so I know just how sweet and wonderful this child will be as well. I have also learned a lot about myself since having my first born son…and have “come into my own” about having all boys. It’s interesting really. In the US, our society is a girl driven society. Everyone wants a girl…or so that is what most everyone wants to think. However, in China, where boys are revered and wanted most of all, a person can gain a lot of perspective and respect for having a few of that particular gender. In the Chinese culture, it’s the boys who take care of their aging parents and a whole bunch of other things that we, in the US, associate with having girls.

Anyway, it’s been nice to step out of the girl driven society for a little while and celebrate all the wonderful possibilities you get with boys. Being able to step away from what other people THINK we SHOULD have, I have been able to truly identify what I want. I remember telling one of my girlfriends a long time ago…”I honestly wouldn’t know what to do with a girl.” That is as true today as it was back then. AND, since then, I have come to learn a few things about having little girls as well, since many of my girlfriends have girls.

I have many girlfriends who SHOULD have girls, because they themselves are girly girls…and would LOVE the maintenance of having a little girl. I’m not one of those people…honestly. Anyone who knows me well can probably agree with me…I’m not into color coordinating socks and hair clips. I have never liked fiddling with my hair or dressing up. Heck, I don’t even like keeping up with the latest fashion. Barbies were never my thing. But, I certainly know women who DO like all those things and would LOVE to pass those talents down to their little girls. Mine would have been in serious trouble, I think. I really don’t like spending money on accessories and I cringe at the thought of spending hours doing art projects, as I know many little girls like to do. See my point?

What I can celebrate about having boys…

I LOVE that I can bunk up my boys into one room if I have to and feel confident they will become closer for it. I LOVE that I can focus my kids’ after school activities to similar subjects…and playing fields. I LOVE that there is the probability of having less drama in my life. I LOVE the idea of living with lower maintenance children. I LOVE that I don’t have to brush my boys’ hair each morning, due to their short haircuts. I LOVE that my boys will probably enjoy camping trips, jeep trails and thrill rides…together. I LOVE the fact that I can pack WAY less for them for travelling. I LOVE the idea of having three strapping sons to assist in all the heavy lifting for the rest of my life. And so much more…

While I don’t particularly like to admit to this, I have to say that I LOVE the idea of being the “queen bee” in this household…there will be no competing for attention or drama with a daughter. Besides, I’m not really sure if Allen could handle a smaller version of me running around…he’s told me numerous times that one is quite enough. ;-) And this may indeed be part of someone’s or something’s “divine” intervention for us…a compromise of sorts. Allen struggled with having more than two and I definitely wanted a bigger family. We can recognize even now that our boys have WAY less drama attached to them than some of the little girls we know…so this may have been “the” plan for us. A compromise…a bigger family for me, but also with the least amount of drama, for Allen. It totally works for us.

Ok…the things I recognize I will miss in having a house full of boys…

Pink stuff. Sorry, but it’s true! Baby pink happens to be my very favorite color (always has been) and I wouldn’t be truthful if I said I hadn’t been counting on a girl JUST to walk through the pink aisles at stores. It’s sad…but so true. I will also miss having a ready and willing partner in crime for nail runs and shopping sprees. I guess that will be the “me” time I’ll have over the years…and with THREE kids, who couldn’t use a little more “me” time?

And since I’ll never have a girl child, I guess I’ll never know what other things I might be missing out on…and that’s ok. You can’t miss what you never knew you were missing.

So, I left Target feeling joyful and happy. However, by the time I got home, I was practically in tears. Not because we are having a boy. But, because I suspect that the people I’m so eager to tell will not be celebrating on the same level as us about the news of, YET, another boy. Been there, done that…in their minds. I fear our youngest child will not be given the same level of reception that the first two got, due to his gender alone. That thought definitely had me in tears soon after I got home. And the idea of something like that makes me hesitant to announce our news.

In the car…I first thought about telling our boys. But, then I remembered how adamant Brandon has always been about wanting a sister…and he specifically has said he does not want another brother. Then I thought, if my own child shows great disappointment…what will other people’s reactions be? My family has always voiced to me how they wished we would have a girl. And the proof of that is in their eyes when we always talk of the possibility…their eyes shine over it. If my own family might not celebrate the news of our THIRD boy with relish…what will our friends have to say? Will they feel sorry for us because we didn’t have a girl and never would? Would they dismiss the news altogether because we already have a couple of boys? Will strangers…or even worse, our family members…look at us and think we went too far by having three boys?? Will these thoughts be evident in their eyes, stripping me of my new and somewhat nervous happiness, one notch at a time?

I had definitely broken down completely, shortly after I arrived home. I was initially so happy, but then I was also so upset (with myself and potentially others) about how the reaction of others could mean so much to me. I felt devastated, really. And all I SHOULD be caring about is how, up to this point, we have a healthy baby boy!

I guess this wrinkle will eventually smooth itself out. It’s stupid to even care what anyone else says or does in reaction to our news. But, go tell my hormones that. They don’t seem to be listening…

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